We watched a television talk show today about twenty-somethings who have working-world confusion and do not want to leave home or go into a lesser lifestyle. Do the people who decide how these programs are formatted not know that the same identity confusion lies at the other end of the working world? We awaken every day with a lack of purpose and a debilitating sense of ennui. At one time in our lives, we had a sense of importance and validation for taking up space with our bit of protoplasm. Surely, there is more to life after work is done. Our hearts hurt when we look into the mirror and see an older person and realize that there is no going back --- only forward into an unknown abyss. I don't think most people question their lives on a daily basis. They get up and live --- and then go to bed again. We, on the other hand, scrape each other raw with the desperate searching for something to do with the tiny amount of life that is left to us. We don't want to waste it, but in persuing the "great American dream", we lost sight of where we were heading fifty years ago. I want to be the happy, cheerful person my husband married over fifty years ago, but suddenly I am desperately looking for a reason to be happy about living on the tail end of life on a downhill pull. My own children don't seem to be aware that we might not be around very many more years or that there could come a time when we will need elder care. Perhaps, that is what is really bothering me --- I never want to become so incapacitated that I cannot take care of myself. I want to stay useful and vibrant until the day I am planted in a little box of ashes. A lady of great beauty and grace has just stopped by and we talked of life, love, marriage and spirituality. I am left wishing I had her serenity and adaptability. Eva,--- God loves you and so do I. My thinking on old age will surely evolve as we are led along the way this spring. We will be back in Ohio, where regeneration of life is more visible than it is in Florida.
11 comments:
Ah...as usual...that is beautiful and true. When we're younger we don't think of getting older...we just live in the moment...but when we're older we do think of time...and how it flies!
I don't care what anyone says...its not funny getting old...we've done it all...we married, had kids, had grandkids...and now what?
We just hope our bodies don't get too frail or we don't need special care in our old age...and we sure don't want to be a burden. I think we all have those worries...but still...we have great memories...and that is worth something! To know we have done a good job....to know we have been kind and honest...that has to mean something.
So we keep on....we don't know where we came from...or where we're going...but while we're here...let's dance....and teach the young one's how to.
Matty -- I'm just sorry that I didn't realize that life is finite and I should have enjoyed every moment, because it slips away while we are doing ordinary stuff. Because I never felt old, it was a shock to suddenly know that I am old, no matter what my head thinks.
I do so agree. Just had this conversation w/ my mom. We look at how my adult "kids" think they must have it all now, not realizing if they rush through life they'll have missed its beauty.
Right now I'm just looking for a way to get where you are right now, 'tis true. Met with the retirement counselor the other day and they suggested work longer, invest more of my meagher earnings and invest aggressively. I could be your age and still working!
I understand your need for independence. My parents are 78 and 76 and they still do all their own repairs, chores, remodeling themselves. My dad will begrudgingly let my uncle snowblow the driveway, but he doesn't mind shoveling it himself either (he doesn't own a snowblower).
tried to comment on your other blog Kacey, but for some reason it wouldn't let me!!!
Loved the story about you and hubby. Can't blame you about not wanting to "go back to the scene" type of thing.
HOpefully the grass has grown back by now! LOL
Kacey,
You are such a beautiful soul. I so, so, so feel where you are at right now and quite frankly, it scares the pants off of me. I seem to just spin my wheels every day and never really get anywhere. I woke up this year to the age of 45, wondering where my youth went. I'm in a job I don't love anymore (let it be known that it's not because of the DD kids at all...it's because of the arrogant, uncaring management), and I am too exhausted to go back to school (not to mention too broke). So I think of things to do, get great ideas, and then I get stuck in neutral because I haven't the foggiest idea of where to start. Add four kid ages 21 down to 15, and well, I'm sure you can see where my brain fog comes from.
I worry about feeling exactly the way you do in the years to come, but I still have no idea where to begin.
Maybe when you go back to Ohio, things will look up! I wish you the best of health and a wonderful summer with your family.
Oh Kacey.... so true... try not to regret what you didn't so... you di what you thought was right at the time... Life goes so swiftly...
Knowing you are on the end of your path is anything but easy, and certainly can be sad...
My parents are 82 and 87, and they are facing it too...
My thoughts are with you, Kacey... No matter how old your body is, your have brought warmth and youth into my blog with your kindness and intelligence and humor.
May you never need to be taken care of, may you and your husband be self-sufficient to the very last day, and may that day be quite a few years from now...
Hugs,
Loving Annie
Thinking of you, Kacey. Hope that you and your husband are doing well -- I worry when you don't post.
Hope that you are okay, Kacey. Thinking of you on May 3rd --
Happy Mother's Day to you, Kacey.
I cyber-saw you over at Betty's blog, so I am glad to know that you are okay.
Hey Kacey, Molly here. Thanks for letting me in on this "other" blog! I SO understood your last remark---"Ohio, where regeneration of life is more visible than it is in Florida." You nailed it! Everything here is geared towards "the end." Why did we come here you may ask? When he retired from the AF my husband thought we should move closer to my in-laws, to help them in their declining years. I'm probably declining faster than they are, stuck in "God's waiting room," before my time! And it's deadsville for the young. Meanwhile, he scarpered back north, after a couple years,to an irresistible job [not feeling, after all, that he was ready to be put out to pasture just yet!], leaving me to maintain the house, which he didn't want to sell, visit his folks daily and listen to their "organ recitals," and try to guide our youngest onto a path of his own.....Sometimes I feel resentful,frustrated and unappreciated. And then I think "Get over yourself, and bloom here, where life landed you!" Meanwhile, having just turned 60 I can hear it --- tick, tock,tick,tock,tick,tock! It's been a long time since you wrote this---time for another?
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